godofthemachine | IC Contact Post for Ryslig

[By now AM is starting to wonder if Fiddleford experimented on himself. That would explain a lot. Perhaps there will be more to this collaboration than just building a device... So much more.]

No, it's not definite. At home I could have repaired such a thing, but the technology here is much more limited so we shall see.

[Well, he did more or less just admit to it. The longer this goes on the clearer it will get.]

The original ray was made from odds and ends I had around the lab, and I remember most of the key design points. It's a start.

Erasing memory is much easier than retrieving it through physical means.

[Memory can naturally return, but if coaxed psychologically, they can be false memories. Not that AM had any issue implanting false memories into his victims' minds...]

I need to try.

[He's been loath to admit this too publicly, though he's edged close on the network a couple of times. Saying he has a hard time remembering and saying he lost literal years of time are two very different things... but AM needs to know what he's potentially signing on to build a device to undo. You can't fight an enemy you don't know the nature of, right?]

It's my son. There are years I can't recall, a huge chunk of time I lost completely, not on purpose but through what I have to assume was overzealous pruning or misapplied radiation. I have to get that back. You understand?

[Fiddleford just handed AM this precious information on a silver platter. His son - obviously such a thing causes a deep wound in his heart. All the better. (Of course, it could be a cover for what he really wants to remember. AM would say something sappy like that in order to gain someone's trust.)]

Oh dear. Yes, of course I understand. I will help you in any way I can.

[And of course, Fiddleford has no idea what he's just done. That seems to be a running theme in his life lately.]

Thank you. I've been slowly regaining things through just talking about him and hoping things resurface but getting it all back that way would take years and to be too uncertain.

[Safer, though. Way safer.]

Psychotherapy can uncover memories after years of analysis, yes, but it can bring up false memories. You want the real thing, and I will help you achieve it.

[Surely if Fiddleford zapped his own memories, then there is something traumatic lying in his mind - something AM will have the most fun uncovering.]

I can draft up some plans for you to look over whenever you have the time. I'm sure your busy with your own work.

I'll be happy to look over your plans whenever you have them ready.

[Sure enough, several hours later a new message pops up with an attached image file. It's hellishly grainy but the important points are visible enough.]

This is what I have so far. I thought I would start with the base of the original gun and modify from there. It should be a simple matter of reversing the output waves -if- we can find a way to generate them in the first place. The original ran on batteries but I think given the level of local technology a direct electrical line might be the better option.

I've kept the input dial to aid with precision in recall. There are things I do not want to remember if I can help it.

I'm afraid, Fiddleford, that simply "reversing" the output waves may not be enough to retrieve memories.

But I suppose you have a good start. A direct electrical line would be better than batteries, yes.

So I may get a better idea of what we're doing, what exactly is it that you do not want to recall?

[Of course it's a simple way to gain access into Fiddleford's mind. He doesn't care about assisting him at all.]

I couldn't tell you what, precisely, since I erased it. That was the whole idea of the original in the first place. The town where I used to live had a real unusual amount of supernatural goings-on, not to put too fine a point on it. I couldn't stop it entirely, so I made a device to help people forget the troubling things they'd seen. I don't need to be told that it was a bad idea, I already know, I just want to go about fixing the damage it did.

[Supernatural? Well, AM doesn't have enough information to determine exactly what would constitute this supposed supernatural element. It could be machinery, or it could be Fiddleford's own delusions.]

I see. You at least have enough memory to know what you were trying to forget, so that's something.

We can do our best to undo the damage, but I can make no guarantees for 100% success.

I had to leave enough memory intact to remember why I built the gun in the first place. I just got rid of all the disturbing specifics. The seemed the safest way to go about things.

[That and he left himself a log, and notes, and whatever else he could to keep the things he did want to keep intact. Apparently that had less success than he'd hoped.]

I think having spent so much time here without using it may make it easier to correct at the very least. From what I've been told the deterioration was caused mainly by overuse. I was brought here and forced to go cold turkey about 74 days in. I don't expect a perfect recovery and like I've said I don't want one, but I think there's a good chance at retrieving -something-.

I am not surprised that overuse would cause such a reaction.

Have any of your memories recovered on their own?

A few. Stimulus related to what I've forgotten seems to kickstart the process; I recently asked for a photograph of my wife and son and that brought back an awful lot. I was missing -years- and it's all still fuzzy but now I'm at least aware the gap's there. Theoretically I could probably get it all back organically just by asking for the right things, but I don't have enough coins or any idea what the right things would be.

The memories are still there in your mind then. They can be recovered for the most part.

But may I ask - did you specifically aim to forget your wife and son, or was that merely a side effect?

No! God no, I never meant to forget them.

[He can't know that for certain. Like it or not, there's a period in his life where he cannot truly trust himself on anything. But he wants to believe he never would have willingly forgotten either of them, judging by his horror at the very suggestion.]

I can't understand how it could have happened. None of the things I tried to destroy had anything to do with them except

Except near the end of things, but that shouldn't have destroyed years of time.

I see.

My guess is that you were imprecise in your ability to target specific memories to erase. That or you used it too much.

If we're being honest, it's probably a little of both. I was fairly [What's the word he wants here?] dependent on it. I couldn't tell you exactly, but I'd estimate I used it once every couple of days at the very least.

That is unwise. You'll blast so much of your brain with radiation that you'll end up a drooling mess.

[But the image amuses AM so much. a Smart man reduced to such a thing - it's not unfamiliar, at least. His favorite toy for so long was the scientist who was reduced to an ape in mind and body.]

[Seeing it put so plainly sends a stab of emotion through him that's equal parts regret and aggravation.]

I -know-. I don't need you to tell me. It's not something I'm proud of.

[He used to be, before he learned in Ryslig how everything in his future panned out. He used to be very proud indeed of the good work he was doing, of the advancement he'd made, and now that he knows how dangerous it was not just for himself but for everyone else who ever used it he feels like such a damn fool. Hindsight and all that. He doesn't need AM to tell him what he already knows.]

[Even through text, it's easy to sense the annoyance that Fiddleford conveys. AM hit a sore spot indeed, and it makes him chuckle.]

Were there truly so many memories in your life you wanted to rid yourself of?

Every man has fears. Every man has regrets. That's not unusual.

[It feels like AM isn't going to get much more information on that subject - particularly if those memories have been intentionally repressed, or even erased.]

Indeed they do.

[AM is not a man and yet he knows this all too well. But to erase the memories? That's preposterous. He needs them so he can learn from his mistakes, so he knows who exactly to direct his hatred toward.]

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